Hold it! Hold the presses on the last one! Not just the foreskin, but a substantial part of the larger organ was attached. Yes, it did belong to Jesus as earlier stated. We know that because of the 'Return Requested' label. But it now seems not to have been a circumcision. We experts think that a distant relative of Loraina Bobbitt was involved. Likely some kind of revenge for Jesus' messing around with Mary Magdallane.

On another matter: After my scholarly article on Adam and his Belly Button*, a reader asked if Adam had ever married Eve. WHAT A STUPIT QUESTION! Who the hell was available to do the ceremony? Oh, sure Satan could have but he was just in a gross laughing spasm over the entire show. The snake had caused enough trouble already. So the frisky pair were out of luck marriage-wise. Didn't bother them at all cause marriage and alimony hadn't been invented yet.


*see Compendium of Higher Criticism, Vol. 44, pgs 75 to 844. But skip the ads and girlie pictures for a change, you letch!

Cub Scout Pack One met every month.   We had blue uniforms with short pants and a gold neckerchief; nice I guess except in San Francisco's cold fog.  Having a little fun from time to time was ok but being good militaristic scouts was paramount.   And in pursuit of good character we were exposed to religion.  I had heard rumors about gods and stuff but it was not discussed in my family so I was ignorant of it and neutral about it.   About once a month  we cubs were herded to this church and next month over to that church; never to a synagogue or mosque because they had not been invented yet evidently.  Mostly we sat numbly through the rituals and stuff with minds adrift and bodies wiggling.

But occasionally I listened and was startled to notice that the big chief or this church was entirely contradicting the big chief of the others.  Very curious!  Because I was innocent and had not yet learned not to try and get meaningful information from adults, I asked our scout leaders and my parents about it.  I learned.  Their answers were different but all the same basically that I wouldn't understand and don't ask such foolish questions.

So there I was, one skinny boy against the High Pondoos of the Church and the Big Scout Chiefs and the Parents.  There was so much fog!  But I listened even more carefully to sermons, songs and all the praying.  I learned about heaven and the multiple incompatible ways to get in.  And about hell and  all the fun ways to get in.

At night falling asleep I considered it all and my lonely conclusion was that church business smelled funny, like bad fish.  Later when the fog lifted I realized it was all lies.

A while back religious broadcaster Pat Robertson warned the city of Orlando that by allowing gay organizations to put up multicolored rainbow flags in support of sexual diversity, "It'll bring about terrorist bombs; it'll bring earthquakes, tornados and possibly a meteor."  Then he added,  "This is not a message of hate; this is a message of redemption."

Gosh, do you think he believes that sort of stuff?   I say when a grownup talks plain stupid, check him for a brain tumor.  Or it could be just old-fashioned superstitious ignorance.  He didn't actually give orders for a bombing but it is clear that he says god wants it to happen.  Would this make him a conspirator should someone carry out god's intention?

The part I liked best is where he threw in the meteor.  He says the other calamities will happen, but the meteor is put in as only a possibility.  A nice distinction.  After god has slaughtered the little children of Orlando with tornado, quake and bomb, Robertson may have god throw in the meteor for a sparkling finale.

But here is the most serious part of it all, the media report this as if it were normal talk rather than diseased mouth foaming!

But it could be a brain tumor.

The Harry Potter problem seems to be that children might mistake his magic and miracles for reality.  But Harry is presented as fiction and not endorsed as fact by trusted adults.  Religious magic, such as virgin births, angels, devils, heavenly rewards for terrorist martyrdom, and infallible popes ARE presented as fact by trusted adults.  There is heavy social pressure on children to pretend to believe.  Few adults are brave enough to tell the truth to children. Harry Potter books are a direct threat threat to religion because the book's magic stands on the same imaginary base as the religious magic.

One might hope that religion, true or false, would contribute to a peaceful world.  But when each sect claims to have the only truth and denies the rival sects, humanity is separated into warring camps.  History and current events prove this to be a major source of cruelty and hate.

When children are brain-washed into religious mysticism, their view or reality is distorted and their critical thinking impaired rendering them vulnerable to the manipulations of imams, priests and Pat Robertsons.      

In his short essays, Bill van Druten usually spills the beans all over the religion industry for us. But today's essay below is by Ralph, Bill''s Coadjutor Plenipotentiary.

Bill asked me to respond to your request for a suitable column. He would have written himself but he foolishly went outside and his feet got cold. He says that his toes are connected to his brain and it has not worked properly since mid November. He prayed for a thaw but he doesn't get much service in the prayer department so I have to do his work for him. I have my own opinion about Bill's cold brain claim but never mind that now. I know he would have liked to send you the sort of proper column that you deserve but in this emergency you will have to make do with my effort. I have chosen for my topic:   ARE THE CURRENT GODS WORKING HARD ENOUGH FOR US OR SHOULD WE GET BETTER ONES?

You know that any god that only sits around sucking up praise all day isn't getting much real work done. And you certainly have noticed that many prayers are answered late and some not at all. Really, folks if a god is going to accept the position it aught to give reliable service or expect to be recalled. I say the current gods are simply not cutting enough mustard. Are you with me this far? Good.

So, do I have a suggestion or am I just wearing down this keyboard to keep my fingers busy?  No, I mean yes, I have a plan and this is it: we dump the slackers we have now and get replacement gods as soon as possible. Don't worry we have plenty to choose from, new and old. The new ones are shiny, are computer savvy and have Norton Utilities. But I say forget them. They are expensive and go obsolete too soon.   Instead lets hire some of the gods that really produced in the old days. There are plenty lying around that are not used up. Take Baal for example, shake off some rust and you have a damn fine god that satisfied honest folks for a good long time.  And also there is Thor, except that he has bad arthritis (that is why he is tho thor!  Rim shot!).   Or, take my favorite, Poseidon!   There is a god that can produce for your ocean and earthquake departments.  With Poseidon (Neptune if you prefer) you get the swell trident and lots of sea creatures in the bargain.  Mermaids too, bare breasted and lovely, if you can get over the fishy aroma.

And there are so many more old timers what would work cheap but are pulling unemployment; it is just a waste.    Why, they would be so eager to put on the yoke again that none of them would go to lounging around resting every seventh day. And they wouldn't be too haughty to answer prayers or adjust the weather either.

We are getting shabby service folks. I don't know why we tolerated it so long and send in the big money. And that is another thing. With your older gods, an ox or a bullock or even a goat now and then is all they want. Hell, you can even fake it with imitation ox smoke; what do they know?  Anyway that is what I think.   I know Bill is in favor of dumping the current slackers.  But I don't know if he means to get new or rent or self-insure.  Probably he will have an opinion if he ever warms up.

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For fairness we print the following outburst from one of the incumbent gods.

People, I am busy here. The sun comes up on time and goes down properly; isn't that enough for you?  And about the money, I've got a lot of overhead.  Angles and thrones and principalities are not working for nothing these days with the union and they want comprehensive health coverage.    Then there is this stable of virgins I have to keep for your heroes.   They want fancy clothes all the time and they don't eat hay.   Frankly they are irritating to have around, PMS and all, but you insist on them so don't blame me for the expenses.

Look, I'll take care of the sun but don't trouble me with your little problems; see my mullahs or my popes or the archpishop of Canterbury or any one of my local agents.  And I hope Bill freezes the other half of his wit too.

Collecting scads of money on the basis of a promise of glorious life after death would be fraud by a fish oil salesman or auto dealer. But most every church offers some kind of eternal life package. Some say you will enjoy heaven in your own personal body. And that is valid even if you have been blown up or eaten by a shark or badly rotten underground. Seems untidy to me but there is powerful voodoo involved.
But here is a problem. When you recognize that churches deny each other's claims you can smell something fishy. Each insists it has the one true golden road to the stars and that the others are cults and liars. But if churchly authority is valid for claims of eternal life it is probably valid for invalidating each other's claims and you end up with a big bowl of lies. Do you get a sniff of scam here?
And why has no consumer magazine covered this important matter for us? Will we or won't we have life after we croak and which cult is in charge?
I will offer you my opinion on this: I say it is just plain double dealing old style FRAUD and aught to be prosecuted as such.

Dear Bill,
I am sore afflicted and grievous chagrined. While checking the history of my family I discovered that all my ancestors are Mormons. It is very strange because my family goes back thousands of generations to primordial slime algae, which you know is well before the Mormon religion was invented. I am majorly upset about this. How could that have happened to my people and what can be done about it?
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Dear sore and grievous,
Yes, this is a sad situation to be sure. Rest assured that you are not alone and there is help.
Mormons are a peculiar lot. They believe the most amazing things. Their founder seems to have been a first rate scam artist. He claimed to have discovered golden tablets written on in an ancient language which he, with his less than grammar school education, was to translate. Alas, the tablets have been taken up to heaven (or so I was told). That means they can't bank the gold and the inscriptions are not available for scholarship.
Anyway, as you report mormons have 'converted' a lot of dead people of various or of no religion. The essay which follows should clarify the situation. Read the entire thing; the helpful part is toward the end and will gratify you.
_________________________________________
POST MORTEM RETRO UN-BAP
Taking a tip from Mormon practices I now offer Ritual Un-Baptism of your deceased family members. Many of your forbears were Catholic or Protestant or Jewish or Uuga-Boog in days when atheism was discouraged. And of course lots of your ancestors are now Mormons against their will. You know that live Mormons have been going around baptizing your dead relatives without written releases.
Mormons do it with genie-ology. They can even convert folks who died before God was invented. And lots of ancestors died because they were members of the wrong religion. Never mind. They clean them all up by baptizing the dead in absentia. It is a theo-legal process with a lot of leverage. It can yank an ancestor right out of limbo or purgatory or even hell where he probably belongs and raise him to the sacred hall of the Mormon God who isn't so particular about the company he keeps. It has drawn a big crowd of former Catholic customers who jumped ship to Mormonism for the better deal. The Catholic God is furious as you'd expect, but so far he hasn't found a loophole in the Mormon scheme.
But Good News! My research department has discovered that Post Mortem Retro-Bap works in reverse too. And even better, my scientists will soon have the jump on them all with Prospective Pre-Un-Bap for future relatives.
My regular Retro-Un-Bap process is open for business now! I will atheise any dead wood in your family tree at very low cost to you. Imagine the gratitude for the release from eternal hymn singing and praising and kissing up. $15 US will set free any relative. And as a tip of the hat to Mormons, I will do two of their dead ones for $25. Or I can de-sanctify your whole family way past Adam to include your Neanderthal cousins; the whole enchilada for $1000. It's a big saving over the individual price.
No need to send names, photos or bones; just tell me how many you want done and send the money to me, Bill van Druten.