Dear Bill,
I am sore afflicted and grievous chagrined. While checking the history of my family I discovered that all my ancestors are Mormons. It is very strange because my family goes back thousands of generations to primordial slime algae, which you know is well before the Mormon religion was invented. I am majorly upset about this. How could that have happened to my people and what can be done about it?
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Dear sore and grievous,
Yes, this is a sad situation to be sure. Rest assured that you are not alone and there is help.
Mormons are a peculiar lot. They believe the most amazing things. Their founder seems to have been a first rate scam artist. He claimed to have discovered golden tablets written on in an ancient language which he, with his less than grammar school education, was to translate. Alas, the tablets have been taken up to heaven (or so I was told). That means they can't bank the gold and the inscriptions are not available for scholarship.
Anyway, as you report mormons have 'converted' a lot of dead people of various or of no religion. The essay which follows should clarify the situation. Read the entire thing; the helpful part is toward the end and will gratify you.
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POST MORTEM RETRO UN-BAP
Taking a tip from Mormon practices I now offer Ritual Un-Baptism of your deceased family members. Many of your forbears were Catholic or Protestant or Jewish or Uuga-Boog in days when atheism was discouraged. And of course lots of your ancestors are now Mormons against their will. You know that live Mormons have been going around baptizing your dead relatives without written releases.
Mormons do it with genie-ology. They can even convert folks who died before God was invented. And lots of ancestors died because they were members of the wrong religion. Never mind. They clean them all up by baptizing the dead in absentia. It is a theo-legal process with a lot of leverage. It can yank an ancestor right out of limbo or purgatory or even hell where he probably belongs and raise him to the sacred hall of the Mormon God who isn't so particular about the company he keeps. It has drawn a big crowd of former Catholic customers who jumped ship to Mormonism for the better deal. The Catholic God is furious as you'd expect, but so far he hasn't found a loophole in the Mormon scheme.
But Good News! My research department has discovered that Post Mortem Retro-Bap works in reverse too. And even better, my scientists will soon have the jump on them all with Prospective Pre-Un-Bap for future relatives.
My regular Retro-Un-Bap process is open for business now! I will atheise any dead wood in your family tree at very low cost to you. Imagine the gratitude for the release from eternal hymn singing and praising and kissing up. $15 US will set free any relative. And as a tip of the hat to Mormons, I will do two of their dead ones for $25. Or I can de-sanctify your whole family way past Adam to include your Neanderthal cousins; the whole enchilada for $1000. It's a big saving over the individual price.
No need to send names, photos or bones; just tell me how many you want done and send the money to me, Bill van Druten.