In his short essays, Bill van Druten usually spills the beans all over the religion industry for us. But today's essay below is by Ralph, Bill''s Coadjutor Plenipotentiary.

Bill asked me to respond to your request for a suitable column. He would have written himself but he foolishly went outside and his feet got cold. He says that his toes are connected to his brain and it has not worked properly since mid November. He prayed for a thaw but he doesn't get much service in the prayer department so I have to do his work for him. I have my own opinion about Bill's cold brain claim but never mind that now. I know he would have liked to send you the sort of proper column that you deserve but in this emergency you will have to make do with my effort. I have chosen for my topic:   ARE THE CURRENT GODS WORKING HARD ENOUGH FOR US OR SHOULD WE GET BETTER ONES?

You know that any god that only sits around sucking up praise all day isn't getting much real work done. And you certainly have noticed that many prayers are answered late and some not at all. Really, folks if a god is going to accept the position it aught to give reliable service or expect to be recalled. I say the current gods are simply not cutting enough mustard. Are you with me this far? Good.

So, do I have a suggestion or am I just wearing down this keyboard to keep my fingers busy?  No, I mean yes, I have a plan and this is it: we dump the slackers we have now and get replacement gods as soon as possible. Don't worry we have plenty to choose from, new and old. The new ones are shiny, are computer savvy and have Norton Utilities. But I say forget them. They are expensive and go obsolete too soon.   Instead lets hire some of the gods that really produced in the old days. There are plenty lying around that are not used up. Take Baal for example, shake off some rust and you have a damn fine god that satisfied honest folks for a good long time.  And also there is Thor, except that he has bad arthritis (that is why he is tho thor!  Rim shot!).   Or, take my favorite, Poseidon!   There is a god that can produce for your ocean and earthquake departments.  With Poseidon (Neptune if you prefer) you get the swell trident and lots of sea creatures in the bargain.  Mermaids too, bare breasted and lovely, if you can get over the fishy aroma.

And there are so many more old timers what would work cheap but are pulling unemployment; it is just a waste.    Why, they would be so eager to put on the yoke again that none of them would go to lounging around resting every seventh day. And they wouldn't be too haughty to answer prayers or adjust the weather either.

We are getting shabby service folks. I don't know why we tolerated it so long and send in the big money. And that is another thing. With your older gods, an ox or a bullock or even a goat now and then is all they want. Hell, you can even fake it with imitation ox smoke; what do they know?  Anyway that is what I think.   I know Bill is in favor of dumping the current slackers.  But I don't know if he means to get new or rent or self-insure.  Probably he will have an opinion if he ever warms up.

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For fairness we print the following outburst from one of the incumbent gods.

People, I am busy here. The sun comes up on time and goes down properly; isn't that enough for you?  And about the money, I've got a lot of overhead.  Angles and thrones and principalities are not working for nothing these days with the union and they want comprehensive health coverage.    Then there is this stable of virgins I have to keep for your heroes.   They want fancy clothes all the time and they don't eat hay.   Frankly they are irritating to have around, PMS and all, but you insist on them so don't blame me for the expenses.

Look, I'll take care of the sun but don't trouble me with your little problems; see my mullahs or my popes or the archpishop of Canterbury or any one of my local agents.  And I hope Bill freezes the other half of his wit too.