Showing posts with label from PUDENDA WILSON'S ALMANAC. Show all posts

PUDENDA WILSON'S ALMANAC: ON CHRISTMAS PREPARATION HINTS

Merry Crispness and a Snappy New Beer!

Oh, I suppose any beer will do for you but for me could it be a crisp Dutch, German or Czech Pilsner please? I am happy with good crisp bacon too or some nice crispy cookies, oatmeal preferred. Leave it on the fireplace mantle. I’ll come down the chimbly and eat it (wink, wink). I’d appreciate it if you would extinguish the fire first or Santa will be crispy too.

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Geting ready for the Holly Daze you will need a pretty wreath for your front door. You get them from your local bigoted boy scout group. They have an equivalent to the military don’t ask/don’t tell policy. They will not have any atheist children you see because they could expose the entire imaginary god sham. One bad apple in the basket can rot out the entire troop according to the old sooth saying. Scout leaders don’t care what make believe deity you choose if you pick a higher power from an approved assortment. No, gravity or the strong nuclear force will not help you here; that would be cheating. Maybe it is because gravity sucks everything into the hellish hot inferno inside of down under and we don't mean Australia. The scout people will accept any god on their list even gods that deny, hate and kill each other. Seems unlikely to generate a peaceful or rational boy scout environment but that is the way it is so take it or lump it. They will even accept the god of the Moron Church who was only invented in the nineteenth century. Yes, Joseph, the Con, Smith invented the whole thing claiming he read about it on pure golden tablets. So if the scouts will accept his crap or the catholic gods or the islammy god I say it is just a mess.

There are twelve scout attributes or Laws: A Scout is Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, IRRATIONAL and GULLIBLE.

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For a snappy Xmas party invite your local priest, imam and rabbi in for a egg nog and social chat about the meaning of the season. Have plenty of booze or even injectable tranquilizers on hand for the exciting part. Seasonal colors are Red and Green. Have holly strewn about and the guests will sprinkle their bright red blood around to complete the decor for you.

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AH, SPRING!

Ah, Spring! Delightful after an icy winter in Minnesota. The lovely fresh, warm air, the new blossoms, the charming bird songs, it is the glory time of nature.

But such a warm spring day also prompts the teenage boy across the alley to search out his tennis ball swatter from where ever he had stashed it over the winter. Unfortunately he finds it and he wants to develop his tennis elbow. So he takes to thumping his garage door with tennis balls. The sonorous door is aimed at my sun porch and produces a resounding WHOMP at frequent intervals. And thus I am reminded anew just what ‘sound’ logic is in the term, tennis racket!

Soon lawn mowers chug out of garages and add their drone to the cacophony. But the worst are the whining weed whackers, the very devil’s invention! Often the whacker operator wears earplugs but the hell with the neighbors.

Next the various contractors will be here with religious radio stations blaring for hours. They attend competing churches so must vie with each other with volume for doctrinal supremacy.

When all those pests are operational spring is fully SPRUNK (my classy new word combination of ‘sprung’ and ‘sunk’. You may borrow it if you like.)

from PUDENDA WILSON'S ALMANAC

You don't know about PUDENDA WILSON without you read a book by Mister Mark Twain, but that ain't no matter. One of his books tells about PUDDENHEAD WILSON AND HIS ALMANAC. Most people don't know that PUDDENHEAD had a daughter called PUDENDA and she made a almanac too. The stuff that follows is from her book which is all a jumble of her thoughts. Some are agates, most are just glassies. It is printed on four inch scrolls and perforated for convenience.
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PUDENDA WILSON’S ALMANAC

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I meet a lot of college ‘educated’ people who know all about priestly child sex education. And they wince up their faces at me when I ask them about the wine and cracker myth or the pope’s infallibility cloak and all the rest of that stuff. But they still belong to that club and give money and let the magicians tell black lies to their children! IS CONTEMPT TOO SOFT?

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Really, have we thought through the long-term consequences of the new energy saving schemes? What if we suck up too much of Mother Nature’s winds for electricity, might the earth get tired and slow down. Or even stop turning around altogether with one side, Texas, getting roasted crispy and the arabs facing away freeze up solid from no sun at all? We can only hope, I guess.

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“CALIFORNIA OR BUST!” That was the slogan of the covered wagon migrants heading west in the old days. And it seems to have worked out for them. That state is flat busted now. Well, not Hollywood. It isn’t flat. It is silicon busted.

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And speaking of Botany, a friend brought me a plant called, “Hello Vera.” She said that the plant clears up skin troubles. I don’t see how. It is all prickly and looks menacing. I had to move it away from my bed as it kept growing and threatened to poke holes in me as I slept. Later she told me I needed to slice it sideways and get out the slimy goo. She promised that I would get over the smell and my complexion will glow of my former youthful glory that I don’t recall ever having. Possibly my acne might even calm down at last. I’ll let you know.

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Bill's Corner watch for trolls.