Readers have requested:  Would you tell us a "Christmas Story" for children of non-theist families?       Thanks, your loyal fans.

I sense your need!   Will the following help?

Now children settle down with your blankets and stuffed bunnies and GranFrogger will tell you all about Chrispness.

You know that most of your little friends believe in Slanty Claws and in Cheeses too.  That is because their parents are sillies and have lied to them.  That is sad of course but GranFrogger tells the truth because it is better for you and will make you happier and not feel cheated when you later will learn the truth anyway.  You have already noticed that Slanty in his fake whiskers, red suit and whiskey breath appears in scads of stores at the same time.   Miracle?  No, Trickery!   And any one that corpulent  (that means sloppy fat) can’t get down any chimneys and not get roasted and all sooty.  Yes, it is make believe like the Ether Egg Bunny and Tooth Fairy.  It all can be a fun story and Chrispness can be fun too if we know the difference between pretend and truth. We all enjoy presents,  milk and cookies for Slanty on the mantle and pretty lights and music.

But now to the most silly part of Chrispness.  Lots of groan up people claim to believe that Chrispness is all about Cheeses and a virgin mommy (never mind the virgin part; I’ll explain that later when I tell you about fucking and the real way babies get started).  The virgin part is fako anyway so just ignore it for now.   The story is that one of the gods came down from the clouds and knocked up (that means got her belly full of a baby) a young woman named Mary.  At least that was Mary’s story and she has stuck with it.  It probably saved her life because in those days the gods  (they are imaginary too) commanded that girls that got preggers before they were married (or after marriage by some sly devil they were not married to) must be squashed by having plenty of bolders dropped on them.  Of course that would be unpleasant for Mary so she lied.

So yes, she became famous and so did her son, Maurice.  For effect Maurice changed his name to Cheesie Crispy and manufactured crackers for a living.  He figured he would sell more crackers if he made them out of his body parts, foreskin, dandruff and stuff like that which he didn't need any more.  Then he declared he was part god yet fully god and people should eat his crackers with a nice glass of cabernet or zinfandel.  But the people were disgusted with him and decided to fix him for good,  crucifix that is!   That means they hung him out to dry and think about what he should do otherwise next time only he got dead before next time.  But that gets into the estrus story which I will tell about later.   Chrispness is the big whoopee about how he was born to be a manager, no, born in a manger.  There is all kind of forgery about the story which was stolen from the stories of many other imaginary gods before the Cheeses god was invented.

So what you need to know about it all is just to shut up for now and enjoy the fun parts and ignore the other children’s baloney.  Later when you are groan and cram full of wisdom like GranFrogger you can tease the sillies about------- Hey, wake up you little shits: I’m not here just to jabber into the fireplace.   And Oh!  Look down the chimbley in a plop, its fricassee of reindeer!