THE EMPEROR’S NEW, NEW CLOTHES AS LARGELY STOLEN FROM MR. ANDERSON’S UNPUBLISHED MANUSCRIPT THAT I FOUND CRUMPLED IN HIS TRASH PILE You remember Mr. Hans Christian Anderson’s story for children about an em-peror in the olden days? It’s no matter; I’m going to tell you the main parts anyway. This emperor was a foolish and vain man and he loved clothing of all kinds. Truth to say he had enough for about seventeen emperors yet he wanted more. Imagine his delight when there came to his palace two men selling suits so special that they could only be seen by very intelligent people or by government officers or prelates who were fit for their jobs. Well, he was sucked right in and gave those scoundrels gold and silk to weave into a magical suit. When they brought him his new suit, the emperor couldn’t see it at all because, well, because it was imaginary. He had to pretend to see it or else admit that he was stupid and unfit for his job, of which really he was both. That started a cascade of fools pretending to believe. The royal ministers hastened to agree that the suit was grand and a perfect fit. The Archbishop blessed the fabric and ordered one for his own reverend self. It was a small effort for him as he believed invisible and imaginary things every day. Then that boob, the emperor I mean, took his clothing on parade for all his subjects to see. The population cheered and waved; they all pretended to see the suit. In the entire kingdom only one person, a child, refused to believe what was supposed to be believed and announced, “But the emperor has nothing on at all, he is butt naked.” Most modern people think it is a good story and they wonder how the emperor and the populace could be so deceitful and silly headed. But lots of us nowdays are not surprised. Scam artists are busy currently selling magical virgins who have been knocked up by gods. Then there is a set of three gods you can get for the bargain price of one god. Hard to pass up a deal like that. Anyway in PART TWO we learn that the child’s name was Lorraine and she was nine years old. More often that not she wore a puzzled expression and sometimes her eyes went squinty from doubt. Lorraine was full into the child-hood business. That is to say she was trying to figure out how the world worked from what adults told her and from her best understanding of her limited experience. Because she was thoughtful and kept her mouth shut mostly, adults often didn’t notice her or thought she was just preoccupied with trivial play. In other words they ignored her and said things that they thought she didn’t hear or if she did hear she was too young to understand. However, Lorraine listened carefully because she was bright and curious. She heard a lot and much of it troubled her. Adults seemed to believe impossible things. They thought the world was full of imaginary creatures: elves, demons, gods, fairies and the like. She had never seen any such things and had asked why, if they were so numerous, she couldn’t see them too. She was regarded with disdain and told that it was because they were invisible. It was an answer that didn’t satisfy Lorraine because the reports of the invisible things contradicted each other and their strange attributes were just impossible. She wondered whether adults just pretended to believe those things. Were they teasing her, testing her gullibility, or straight out lying to her? Oh, how hard for a curious child to reconcile the words of adults with the world of reality. Back in PART ONE you read about the announcement of a grand procession in the capital city to show off the emperor’s marvelous new clothing. Lorraine’s parents were thrilled with the news; they adored their emperor. Lorraine wanted to know why the emperor needed another expensive suit when most of the people she knew had to do with one set for many years and some went about in rags. She got the usual useless answer, which was, “That is just the way things are. You are too young to understand.” It was a long journey to the city, long for them but longer for their old donkey who did the actual walking. In their cart they followed the donkey’s tail to the big event. (The rear end of their donkey knew the way better than the front end of her father). There was plenty of time on the trip for Lorraine to ask her parents about the world. But instead she was silent, just wondering, wondering, wondering. For example, she wondered if her parents thought she was satisfied with the answers they gave her. If they did, they must think she was stupid. She even considered whether she was stupid, for clearly someone was stupid. She wanted to like them. She knew she had to depend on them. But how safe was she if they didn’t know how the world worked and they believed in invisible clothing and gods and things? All this wondering had put a doubting crease in her young forehead, of which, surprisingly Mr. Anderson made no notice. After a while she finished up wondering about her parents and went over to pondering about the emperor. Didn’t he realize that he would be prancing along naked? Could he see his magic clothes? How smart is an emperor who buys invisible clothes? And, are we safe with a man like that in charge of our kingdom? Wonder, wonder, ponder, ponder all along the bumpity road to the city. They arrived in time to hear the trumpets sound the entry of the big procession of lords and ladies and bishops and banners? Then came the strutting emperor who was in fact just plain naked and flabby and full bellied and altogether a pathetic sight. The bishop had a suit too and he too was disgusting. Just as Mr. Anderson told in Part One, the people pretended to see a lavish suit and cheered and waved. All but poor Lorraine, all alone, thinking to herself: what is wrong with these people? How can they all be such ignorant ass holes? (Oh, yes, Lorraine had learned some colorful language) That was when her mind heated up and really began to cook. Her wondering and pondering all came together like flour and milk and eggs into a smooth batter. In the hot oven of her brain it formed into a glorious cake, a life-changing conclusion! It happened something like this: “I need to live among these morons! Should I pretend and become like them? If I don’t they will hate me and I will be lonely. But if I start lying now, when will I stop and how will I live with myself? And then…. PUFF…. In a flurry of pastry flour…it came….”NO, I AM NOT LIKE THEM! I WON’T PRETEND, NO MATTER WHAT! I WILL NOT PRETEND TO SEE SPIRITS, DEVILS, GODS, FAIRIES OR MAGIC CLOTHES!” That was her conclusion, her glorious cake! And that was when Lorraine stood nine years tall and shouted, “HEY! THAT STUPID TWIT IS BARE ASSED NAKED.” And that is where Mr. Anderson left us off. But now let us go along with Lorraine and her family in PART THREE as they went home in their donkey cart. Lorraine’s parents were embarrassed that their little girl had used such language. They tried to fit it all into their small minds. Had a bad god or a devil or a witch gotten into her? And to say true, Lorraine was surprised at herself as well and went now to mulling. (She had used up all her pondering and wondering. “Am I always to be alone? Will I ever find people who are not liars and cheats?” She mulled, mulled, mulled. That is where we have to leave Lorraine and that is quite enough for now. Ex-cept to say that Lorraine grew up though she was not altogether happy about it. Emperors strutted and prelates prated and warred and slaughtered and invisible merchandise was sold in church and synagogue at every corner, oh, and by the islamies too. But she never changed her mind. But all that is told about in Part Four. *************************************************************** Copywrote by Bill van Druten Duluth Minnesota August 2009 No part, not even a crumb, of Lorraine’s cake may be borrowed or stolen or eaten with out my written permission and no reproducing either.