FINDING TRUTH THROUGH HUMOR
A BEDTIME READER FOR THE RELIGIOUSLY CURIOUS
WITH OTHER STORIES TO HELP YOU FALL ASLEEP
BY ME, BILL VAN DRUTEN
INTRODUCTION
How and why did a nice guy
like me become religiously challenged and the founder of the Lake Superior
Freethinkers?
It all started when I
became a fetus in 1932 CE. No one asked my permission for
that construction job. Then, on the early side of nine
months, I was “untimely ripped from my mothers womb” (thank you Mr.
Shakespeare, whoever you are). Again, I was not consulted when
they hauled me out of my warm, if cramped, headquarters. I don't remember it,
except that, as most babies, I was unprepared and sharply offended. Then a
big person in a white clown suit attacked my plumbing equipment, also without
my signed consent. Everything was a shock or a curiosity from then on. “What the
hell is going on here” were my exact words. Yet I
adapted and gradually learned a language and such stuff as you did, too.
My parents had post high
school educations at Stanford; Dad, an MD, Mom, a nursing degree. It was
depression time in San Francisco. We ate
some very boring foods: Purple potatoes were cheaper, purple from iodine in
soil, carrots, peas and some chicken if my father got paid in chickens. Lunch was
usually a homemade apple sauce sandwich on soggy white bread. I never
knew it was depression. It was just the way things rolled then, haltingly.
Though educated, they told me precious little of how the world worked and
nothing about religion.
Thus, I was entirely
unprepared for the horrendous news from my playmate, Eileen Farley. She told
our playgroup that because we were not Catholic, we and our parents would be
going to an agonizing place, and forever, after we died. But you
can read all about that in my essay, "Do you know what happened to Eileen
Farley?" If you don’t buy my book and read
that cautionary story, likely you will go to the same agony place. Just a
kindly warning! The book is so reasonably priced
and has so much worthwhile bed time reading inside the covers, (that is where
the good stuff is).
As a cub scout age nine to
twelve, I learned even more about religions. We were
polished up and brought to this or that Sunday Ceremony. Exceedingly
boring there, but I discovered more shocks. Some
amazing stories were told in these sessions and even more astonishing, the
adults seemed to believe whatever they were told even though the stories and
various plans for when they would get dead differed wildly. I should
never have listened, but rather squirmed and poked my pew mates as they did. Pew? Sorry,
that is their word for the harsh plank we wriggled on for an hour. Well, you
can read what happened to me in my essay, "Revelations 9-13, (years
old that is)". Now you see why you bought my
book. You will be much improved by reading it. Though actually, you don’t have to read
it; just buy it for MY sake and tell all your friends to buy it, too. Tell
them how wonderful it is; lie if you need. Even though I am 81 years well ripened now, I can still use
the proceeds - if any.
All this and much more
learned information is now available to you but I warn that it is best to take
it in small doses.
Me, Bill
FORWARD BY the
real, ME, GOD
After I created this
entire shooting match for you, I rested. Then I
split up the corporation into three divisions, which is to say, me at the top
of course, a baby named Jesus and a ghost. I can’t
remember why I made that ghost nor what it does now to earn its keep. I only
used it once, that was to tell the cute little
Jewish gal, Mary, that she was to be the uterus for my boy. Perhaps
you believe she was grateful, as all the photos and statues show. But no! She
was pissed because she had the hots for a local guy named Joe! Plus she
objected to being stoned to death by the ME-fearing Jewish crowd - as most
unmarried girls that got preggers were. Oh, just
read about; it is all in my book. After
that, I made a whole bunch of officers: angels, archangels,
thrones, dominions, powers, each with a salary and perks. And I had
another son, Satan, brother to Jesus, who has my permission to generally raise
hell with you earthlings. Yes, I made hell for you too. All that
was all a ton of work, and frankly folks, I was pooped.
My only mistake was that I
made Bill. No ghosts or virgins used on that job, just the
ordinary system. Satan doesn’t bother him as Bill
makes plenty of problems for me on his own. You all
should be grateful to me and stop already with the prayers; you know I don’t
even read them! Can’t you just let me sit here in my battery heated
clouds for a couple of eternities without twerps like Bill pestering me?
To be fair though, Bill
makes some very good points in this book, which you had best buy quickly before
I have my fellow god up here, THOR, crisp up Bill and his book and you with exciting
bolts of electric current.
God
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