As popes go, and they should, Pope William I, the Apostate would be an improvement.  We have lots of talk now about how different Pope Francis is from his predecessor clowns.   Still he has not dumped any of the catholic magic nor prosecuted any abusers nor protectors that I know of.  But we need to think out of the confessional box and wonder:  What would a suitably different pope be like: Look no further.  I am glad to offer my services a Pope William the I-th.  Couldn't get much differenter that that.

No problem with my apostical beliefes.  We had Pope Leo X in the Muddled Ages saying something like, "We all know how profitable this fable of Jesus Christ is for our company."  He should know. And he had lots of company among his buddy con artists.  Back then they actually did make ordinary guys with some kind of useful clout into popes.  So I should be good to go, which is what all popes should do - go away, far, far away.  Hit the road, hack, and don't come back no more.

Could happen. Maybe next if this Francis guy doesn't pan out or is poisoned in the honored tradition. And I've had inquiries from the curia.  They want to know of my clothing needs when they elect me. To be suitably different, I would need a different suit.  I have some faded yellow cord trousers but they are warn thin where I crossed my legs before I got my arthritic hips from a former god.  But I don't want to prance about in Judy Garland's ruby Slippers and all the skirts and trash that popes are fond of.  Oh, and I do love the turtleneck, long sleeve,waffle weave shirts for winter here in Minnesota where my new papacy will be installed with barrels of champagne, beer, martinis and community consentual lusty dancing girls or men if you like. I don't but to each his or her own.

I will pontificate big time.  For zample; you CAN have any erotic lust you enjoy as long as no one is abused and that includes priests and nuns who will be able to do whatever the hell they want if no children are troubled.  NO, you cannot bugger children any more, boys or girls and you can not tell them any lies about imaginary, magical two, three four or more part gods in the sky.

What the hell, I will eliminate the nastiness altogether and reserve hell for eternal vacations on pure white sand with charming pale blue water where everyone comes for retirement in their peak condition or better, in many cases.

My pontifical motto will be Chacun A son Gout -- for everyone according to her/his taste long as no one is abused.

Those who disobey will be straightway dispatched to heaven where they will be condemned to sing gawawfully long praises eternally until their throats are destroyed and then they play a harp until their fingers wither.  Oh, but then they will be forced to kiss the ass of Jesus and god until they die of infection or puke out their guts, whichever is last.