Subject: Consumer Quandry

I have asked consumer's reports and the better business bureau to report on the conflicting offers of the catholics, prots, jews, morons, and the rest.   
I have had excellent comparisons for toasters,  vacuum cleaners and detergents but so far no survey of the afterlife promises nor of the actual prayer value of  the ‘legions.   This should be easy to test in some certified lab.  Competitive prayers with measurable results could be listed along with promptness of delivery and warranty value.  Now that should be straightforward.  Gods could be listed in order of satisfaction.   

Golly, why is everyone so touchy about testing the 'ligions?  Oh sure, in the olden days folks could be burnt or tortured then burnt or thrown out of windows (see Defenestration of Prague--Wikipedia for a fun episode involving windows.) But now that we have freedom of and from religion in America, what is their hang up?   Yeah, their children could be abused by priests and such but that is just part of 'ligious education, isn't it?

Seems you can get a swell afterlife with the right cult but how are we to choose without guidance from the experts?  Some 'ligions offer a warm afterlife on an equatorial shore with the nice white sand, the clear pale blue water with the lovely naked bar-tendernesses.  I want to go there and lounge in aeternum with fine beers and tasty martinis and be coochie-cooed by those eternal lovelies.   But of course the problem remains, which ligion should I pay dues to?  Where are the letters, emails or post cards reports from the ‘saved’?  

Wikipedia has not helped for this nor Scientific American nor the New York Times so I say until I have some definitive data to go on, I will just keep my funds for my favorite atheist, freethinker pals and organizations.   They are the only ones that have ever helped me.  Lots of them, R, Dawkins, D. Dennett,  S. Harris, C. Hitchens and the ffrf, Atheists for Human Rights and Lake Superior Freethinkers have suggested that there is a scam going on here that I should avoid.   Best advice I have had so far.

That would mean a void afterlife on that warm beach; I suppose it would be boring after a while and the sand fleas!    But also no taxes, no anxiety, no rent, no fear so I will donate to the atheist groups until a reliable report is available.


Bill van Druten said...

Gosh, Bill, I believe you have hit the spike squarely on the noggin with this report. Please give us the results forthwith or at least soon.

Bill van Druten said...

Bill is utterly wrong about the value of Bill's essay. It is, as usual, the trashiest of fetid swill that is his accustomed provision. And he should be reported to the Inquisition or at least Fr. Partika the Saint of Duluth.

Bill van Druten said...

Well now pardner, we here at north east Duluth rather enjoy Bill's suff. That is owing to a variety of intependent-multi cultural variables. [I don't know whathw means
rables. That is to say the he don't know Jack Shit. He knows Jill S. but has never met Jack as far as he can recall

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