FINDING TRUTH THROUGH HUMOR
A BEDTIME READER FOR THE RELIGIOUSLY CURIOUS
WITH OTHER STORIES TO HELP YOU FALL ASLEEP
BY ME, BILL VAN DRUTEN
How and why did a nice guy like me become religiously challenged and the founder of the Lake Superior Freethinkers?
It all started when I became a fetus in 1932 CE. No one asked my permission for that construction job. Then, on the early side of nine months, I was “untimely ripped from my mothers womb” (thank you Mr. Shakespeare, whoever you are). Again, I was not consulted when they hauled me out of my warm, if cramped, headquarters. I don't remember it, except that, as most babies, I was unprepared and sharply offended. Then a big person in a white clown suit attacked my plumbing equipment, also without my signed consent. Everything was a shock or a curiosity from then on. “What the hell is going on here” were my exact words. Yet I adapted and gradually learned a language and such stuff as you did, too.
My parents had post high school educations at Stanford; Dad, an MD, Mom, a nursing degree. It was depression time in San Francisco. We ate some very boring foods: Purple potatoes were cheaper, purple from iodine in soil, carrots, peas and some chicken if my father got paid in chickens. Lunch was usually a homemade apple sauce sandwich on soggy white bread. I never knew it was depression. It was just the way things rolled then, haltingly. Though educated, they told me precious little of how the world worked and nothing about religion.
Thus, I was entirely unprepared for the horrendous news from my playmate, Eileen Farley. She told our playgroup that because we were not Catholic, we and our parents would be going to an agonizing place, and forever, after we died. But you can read all about that in my essay, "Do you know what happened to Eileen Farley?" If you don’t buy my book and read that cautionary story, likely you will go to the same agony place. Just a kindly warning! The book is so reasonably priced and has so much worthwhile bed time reading inside the covers, (that is where the good stuff is).
As a cub scout age nine to twelve, I learned even more about religions. We were polished up and brought to this or that Sunday Ceremony. Exceedingly boring there, but I discovered more shocks. Some amazing stories were told in these sessions and even more astonishing, the adults seemed to believe whatever they were told even though the stories and various plans for when they would get dead differed wildly. I should never have listened, but rather squirmed and poked my pew mates as they did. Pew? Sorry, that is their word for the harsh plank we wriggled on for an hour. Well, you can read what happened to me in my essay, "Revelations 9-13, (years old that is)". Now you see why you bought my book. You will be much improved by reading it. Though actually, you don’t have to read it; just buy it for MY sake and tell all your friends to buy it, too. Tell them how wonderful it is; lie if you need. Even though I am 81 years well ripened now, I can still use the proceeds - if any.
All this and much more learned information is now available to you but I warn that it is best to take it in small doses.
FORWARD BY the real, ME, GOD
After I created this entire shooting match for you, I rested. Then I split up the corporation into three divisions, which is to say, me at the top of course, a baby named Jesus and a ghost. I can’t remember why I made that ghost nor what it does now to earn its keep. I only used it once, that was to tell the cute little Jewish gal, Mary, that she was to be the uterus for my boy. Perhaps you believe she was grateful, as all the photos and statues show. But no! She was pissed because she had the hots for a local guy named Joe! Plus she objected to being stoned to death by the ME-fearing Jewish crowd - as most unmarried girls that got preggers were. Oh, just read about; it is all in my book. After that, I made a whole bunch of officers: angels, archangels, thrones, dominions, powers, each with a salary and perks. And I had another son, Satan, brother to Jesus, who has my permission to generally raise hell with you earthlings. Yes, I made hell for you too. All that was all a ton of work, and frankly folks, I was pooped.
My only mistake was that I made Bill. No ghosts or virgins used on that job, just the ordinary system. Satan doesn’t bother him as Bill makes plenty of problems for me on his own. You all should be grateful to me and stop already with the prayers; you know I don’t even read them! Can’t you just let me sit here in my battery heated clouds for a couple of eternities without twerps like Bill pestering me?
To be fair though, Bill makes some very good points in this book, which you had best buy quickly before I have my fellow god up here, THOR, crisp up Bill and his book and you with exciting bolts of electric current.