Below is a first edition of the Beliable Stories for Good Children by Granfahr
Bill. They are in his book,
Pudenda Wilson's Almanac. It is recommended that you frame your first edition
set and he will autograph it for you at the Barn and Stable book store in
Duluth.
Gather
around now children and Granfar will tell you the greatest lie ever told.
Once
upon a time one of the gods was greatly more bored than usual. That
happened when he lost his job in the recession and he just sat there all alone,
depressed. Anyway to get right to the point, this god decided to stir up
a major mess in the sky. He drank way too much coffee and whipped the
entire whirl out in six days then crashed on a Sunday. The sky was just
nuts with crap spiraling here and there with twinklers all over the place. Some
of the stuff crashed into other stuff and it was extremely noisy too. You will
need ear protection if you go there.
In
chapter two he was bored again and horny. One night he snuck into the vagina
of a nice virgin [ha, ha] and humped the shit out of her till morning when they
had a cigarette and he asked if it had been good for her and said that it was
ungodly for him.
In
chapter three that former virgin [ha, ha] finds herself fully knocked up with a
huge swollen belly. That dear ones is how she got her name, BVM or
the Bulgen Virgin Margarita. Angels told her to calm down and said
she would be plopping out a godlet soon and to just ignore the smurky teehee's
of the villagers. That is when she ran away from home and indeed brought forth
a son saying, ‘Jesus Christ, that hurt you little shit’. So that is how
the godlet got his name, "Little Shit". Now children go to bed
and tomorrow night Granfahr will tell what happens in the next chapter; it is a
hoot. On your way to bed fetch your Granfahr some more bourbon.
For
the illiterate I will splain about Pudenda's name. It is a take off of Mark Twain's
'Pudd’nhead Wilson's Almanac'. Pudenda, his older imaginary daughter is
named after the latin 'pudendum', the vulva and all its friends.
Chapter
three or four, I forget. Anyway that was a lot of fun for god, little
children, and he rested again. Meantime Little Shit grew up tall and hairy and
developed a jewish accent. He told jokes in the temple and they chased him
away so he turned them all into turnips or radishes, the red ones probably. Well,
that was impressive and he set about doing more magic all over town. People
came from the hills and valleys asking him to turn their mothers in law into
various comical things like pigs and dates or olive oil. After a
week of that it grew tiresome to him and the said onto them, "Just shut up
and kill your mother in law yourself".
That
is how he came into trouble with the authorities for fermenting trouble and
wine. They confiscated the wine and it was very nice with hints of hemoglobin. They took Little
Shit up a hill and stapled him onto a nice set of crossed sticks. People came
and asked him if he was really a godlet, why din't he jus do some magic now and
put on a show. But parently the godness had gone out of him and he only
whimpered that he was unhappy with this part of the day. The crowd went
away and they forgot about him so he jus uppen died after a bit. In the
next chapter I'll tell how he decided to do magic after all and get out of the
mess and to go up to pick a fight with his daddy. Now put more ice in my
bourbon and brush your teeth, yes all of them.
Well,
boys and girls, I hope you are collecting your beliable stories because they are
healthy for your moral ‘velopment.
Later
chapters will tell how the LS, helped his dad slew up truck loads of people.
Women and girl children first was the rule. They saved the little boys for the
catholic priests to use but that is much later in the book.
Yes,
Granfahr Beel knows he is jumping around here and not well organized. There are several reasons for that
including sloppy writing skills and the fact that he needs more bourbon. What do you think you could do to help
you Grahfahr here? Yes, and
put in some lemon twists too.
Now
snuggle around and hear more stories about LS and BVM and how a ghost got into
the corporation. It occurred to
daddy god that a triangle is a nice figure and though it had not worked well as
a wheel still a triune god situation would be cool. LS suggested the BVM but his Daddy said that girls
wouldn’t be good enough. It
was at this time that LS realized what his name was all about and wanted a
change. Many suggestions were made and rejected until ‘cheesie crispie’ which
gratified them all and was adopted after a particularly fine fondue one
evening. Then the BVM wanted to be
called Margie and that too was accomplish-ed. The dash break in ‘accomplish-ed’ came about after they heard
Handle’s Messiah and they all wanted to talk in Kink James Inklich and so they
did for a time until they became exasperat-ed with the hyphens and fell back
into their jargony sways. But I
have digress-ed. I was tellen you
youngens how they found the third part of the heavingly tricycle. Every evening up there they were wont
to scan the TV and after an
engaging episode they elected Casper, the frenly ghost to godhood. So now it was daddy god, Cheesie and
Casper as the main show. Margie
was pissed of course and she vowed to go into a nunnery or was it a
bakery. She favored the
aroma and established the Sisters of the holy Doughnut. They needed a credo to be sure and it
became, ‘Lights out by nine, candles out by ten'. And they were pleased and locked the gates at seven pm and ate
the sugary doughnuts. I am only
telling you this children for your own good and to warn you about catholick
ways. Now off to your bath and
into bed after you mix up a pitcher of holy water for Granfahr. Yes with the gin and the vermouth very,
very dry.
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